Through my head and back - May 22, 2009

1. I keep remembering this one line I came across browsing the net. "One foot behind you." I have seen the worst of me, therefore I should not have another episode of utter helplessness. Yet again, Im starting to unfold, which I shouldn't be doing - too much. I should have learned by now and be more attentive to my actions, senses and emotions. (Lie low-not too much-control-brain + heart-live your life). But how do I tell the heart to be careful?, when I seriously think it pays no tribute to logic and simply lurches onto its own heedless orbit...'oh i just miss sel the traveller.'

2. It came to me, this one time I was listening to youtube songs, that all songs, from love to RNB to rock or alternative, do mean something: they are everything poetic that, in our lives, somehow remains unsaid -- but which we still wish to say. In my light moments when I feel the music in my bones, I think they are the soundtracks for what makes human -- the stories of how we live and love, set to the quivering rhythms that keep pace with the beating of our hearts.

3. This is how I measure my boring days: by the strangest moments I find myself smiling without me even knowing. I may be walking to the streets of Singapore or riding a bus or train, and I see a happy family, a group of friends, lovers doing their stuffs, suddenly there's that unmistakable tugging at my cheeks. I feel good. I feel happy. When I feel the gentle curve on my lips -- and how light my chest feels. That's how I know I am all fine.... I am all right.

4. I used to remember coming here in Singapore to have a better career in design. Now I can not help but wonder why I am still here. Is it still for my design career or the bigger, better pay which this country gives?

5. Scenario: Looking at myself in the mirror fanatically -- I know for sure vanity is my favorite sin. Thoughts: Birthday again is coming up. If i enjoy looking at myself right at this very moment, will I still do in few more years? I perfectly get now how those vain celebrity feels as they age and new young, fresh artists come along.